Thursday, May 13, 2010

How to Eat as Cruelly as You Possibly Can, by The French Nation

France has a serious reputation for good eats. You can't deny the appeal of it's seemingly ENDLESS list of culinary classics. I would wager that even now, as I blog, some lucky frenchie is biting into their first taste of Boeuf Bourguignon, or Crème Brulée, or something else that countless chefs have mastered to perfection with the sole aim of making you simultaneously orgasm, scream, pee and pass out. (Quite the feat, non?)

And yet... every closet has a skeleton, even closets with three stars have them... tiny little bird skeletons as it turns out.

At lunch with my colleagues the other day we began what I expected would be an innocent converstation. What can go wrong among foodies? We talked about how much we enjoyed soup, and a very lovely person shared half her chocolate tart with me (again, my coworkers loooooove putting chocolate in my mouth and then scolding me for eating it as I swallow), when suddenly, for some reason I can only imagine stems from latent anger at my not joining them 'round the table more often, the conversation shifted tones.

"But eating snails is not as cruel as some other things", Frenchy McFrenchLady says.

"Really? Do you know how they're prepared?", Frenchy McFrenchman replies.

"Of course! You catch them, tear them out of their homes and let them die a slow agonizing death by watching intently as every last bit of their life's juice leaks out of their frightened shrivelling bodies. Then you throw them in a pan with some garlic sauce and it's DINNER TIME!", French McFrenchLady says.**

** not a direct quote, but should have damn well been.

At this point, I've stopped talking about movies with my neighbor to listen in to horror that ensued.

"So you know something that's worse?", McFrenchman retorts.

"Oh my stars, there's so much worse. Those are snails, no one gives a hoot about snaaaillls. They have no brains, they don't feel the pain the way the other animals do. Besides it's not like they're screaming little snail screams or something."

It should be noted that I was the only one who laughed about the snails screaming. Apparently the entire group is certain that I have no soul, or at least, zero empathy for slugs.

I'm going to have to sum up the rest because really, there were too many examples of cruelty to detail in just one blog:

- Oysters: Eaten alive actually. I'd like to see you come up with something worse.
- Chicken: Old fashioned Guillotine-like demise.
- Fois gras: Stuff the poor goose to DEATH, then eat it's gizzards... nice.

- Veal: left in a cage to rot until the reaper arrives so it stays "tender"

- Lobster: Again. Cooked LIVE. Nice people. Real nice.
.... the list goes on & on.

Most people are guilty of eating at least one of these animal atrocities, and our consciences have survived worse. But the very WORST one in my book has got to be the ex-President of France, François Mitterand. Apparently he was preparing for the visit to that big restaurant in the sky, when he realized he hadn't yet committed enough sins against animals. So he decided to get them ALL out of the way in one go!

He invited his closest friends for dinner, and planned the following malevolent menu:
- Oysters: cold-blooded live-eat, check
- Fois gras: heartless stuff-to-exploding, check
- Chapon (it's like a chicken): Guillotine, check

and, la pièce de résistance....
- Ortolan.

Ortolan is a tiny, helpless, kind-natured little bird that meets its maker in a sort-of best-of-all-deaths way. As if they couldn't decide which way was worse, so they just did all of them.

- caught live, held in captivity
- stuffed to point of death
- drowned in cognac
- rotisserie cooked
- chop off it's head once on your plate

To top it off, they get an extra special dégustation... you suck the goodies right out of the carcass. So, not only have you imprisoned, tortured, drowned and roasted your little feathered friend, you must now hide your eating behind a napkin as you slurp its insides right out of it's own neck.

Hmm. PUKE.

Enough to make you want to be a vegetarian, non?


  1. Hi, nice blog & good post. You have beautifully maintained it, you must try this website which really helps to increase your traffic. hope u have a wonderful day & awaiting for more new post. Keep Blogging!

  2. "Enough to make you want to be a vegetarian, non?"


    I think about this a lot. My biggest problem with wanting to be a vegetarian because of the reasons here as well as the "carbon footprint" of meats is that I already have so many problems with sensitivities to foods like grains and dairy that I would *just* be eating limited veggies and that is all. I try to reduce my meat consumption as it is, but it is hard to do. Still, I am not out eating foie gras, either, lol.

    I have to say though that there is also a big part of me that wants to say, "Let people eat what they will." It's not my decision what others should eat, just my decision for me. So, I don't actually have too much of a problem with other people eating things like this. I just don't really partake for myself.

  3. and whilst eating the poor little things you cover your head with a sheet (I forget why - shame maybe?). Although I understand that it is illegal to eat them in France now (and was at Mitterands meal)


  4. The last time I went to Perigord they were selling picture postcards of the foie gras force-feeding process in all the tabacs. They don't just eat it, they're proud of it! (I must admit, foie gras does taste good, though...)

  5. aaaaannnd I'm back to life.

    @Lydia: this reeks of robo-post... non?

    @Karin: You don't suck the insides out of small birds once they've been tortured while hiding the deed behind a napkin? You shall never integrate m'dear. Never. You're doomed to sit at the uncool kids table.

    @Eli: shame def. a factor. Ole Mit' didn't care.. what were they going to do? Throw him in jail? The man was going to that big slaughter house in the sky - suppose he didn't give a shite.

    @Bad': I have finally developed a taste for fois gras (only took 3 yrs), and I still think about the poor widdle birdies w/ every bite. I enjoy hamburgers, but I'm not advocating postcards to show how the cows are de-lifed.

  6. "You shall never integrate m'dear. Never. You're doomed to sit at the uncool kids table."

    Yeah, that pretty much sums me up, lol!! :)

    Welcome back. :)

  7. I'll join you there.

    thanks... planning to get back to posting this weekend!!

  8. You forgot to mention how the Chicken became a Chapon...
    Very nice blog,


Related Posts with Thumbnails