Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The French have invented a new way to get drunk

copyright quantumsensations.com
All I can think about this invention is:

What took them so long?

It's about bloody time someone invented a pure-alcohol breath spray that hastily gets you loaded.


My only regret is that I was living under a rock when this stark-designed miraculous discovery was unleashed on the world.


Despite the genius involved here, I'm convinced that they got the name wrong. It's called "WA|HH Quantum Sensations Spray", when obvi it should've been named "WHOO HOOOOO Sensations Spray"!! Or, I've got it... maybe something like, "Immebriated". Hein?? Rolls of the tongue doesn't it?

What's kind of a shame is that the effect only lasts for a few seconds. So, given that, here are a number of situations where a few seconds of instadrunk would be useful:

- When my neighbors clomp around above me at 3am, and wide-awake I want to walk upstairs and render them unable to bear children with my own pair of steel-toed boots.

- When that one ass-pirate runs through the crowded throng of people waiting infront your full metro train cabin, to slip in between the metro doors just soon enough to smash your genitals against some gross smelly man's ass.

- Any time you're ordering in a restaurant.

- Any time you're buying something in a store.

- Any time you need help from anyone at any place for any problem.

- When my husband kills my dreams of owning a puppy. Again.

- When trying on jeans that should be my size but are actually a size -2,000 because the French are in fact miniature.

- When I'm forced to go watch French melodramas at the movies. #sobad

- Any time you need to "stand in line" here.

- When someone asks if you're pregnant. Again. When you're a size 36. #pffffff

- When someone tells you you look tired. Again.

- When you accidentally step in poop. Again.

Actually. It seems like it's probably a good idea that this thing isn't available to me. I'd probably be drunk constantly in this country.

When would you use it?

3 comments:

  1. Your blog makes me laugh every time I read it, and this was no exception..

    Its likely I would use that spay non stop, all day. Why they didnt come up with it sooner is beyond me :)

    lize

    www.lizemilson.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just discovered your blog. Hilarious! The French are easy targets, yes, but you nail even the moving ones.

    Tomorrow I have to return to the Prefecture to have them correct my daughter's Carte d'Identite which states she was born in 1955. She's 17. And I know they will just throw the card back at me saying "C'est pas possible! C'est pas possible!" when I ask them to remake it. Or (a more-likely scenario) they will indeed reissue the card, but it will STILL have the incorrect birthdate, because all they will have done was reentered the SAME information into their computer.

    And for this, I would like the insta-drunk elixir, because if I'm not drunk going in, I'd want to quickly become drunk after dealing with our friends, the Civil Servants of France.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Lize & Paris Chronic-WHAT-cles of Nar-nia. Glad you guys liked the post :) I hope you can get your hands on an instadrunk spray soon for the prefecture. That place is the 7th circle of hell.

    ReplyDelete

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