Thursday, November 29, 2012

More shit that doesn't exist in France

As we kick off the holiday season with recently feasted,Thanksgiving, I'm here to contribute a list of even more shit that doesn't exist over here, thus, negating everyone's "I'm SO THANKFUL for my AMAZING LIFE [Insert Humble Brag here]" posts. Yerwelk.

1) THANKSGIVING doesn't exist here.
Though, I did receive a shocking number of "I hope you had a good thanksgiving" messages from the Frenchies in my entourage & at work (involuntary tear). So I'm grateful for their gratitude-consciousness, and my ability to take friday off to & spend the next 72 hours GORGING myself.

I'm also thankful for stretch-pants.

2) Black Friday could never, EVER exist here.
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. AMERICA?!? For once, I'm standing along side the French, shaking my head at you IDIOTS. The French are to logical for this. They value time and comfort much more than the dolla-dolla.

This is what I imagine is going through their heads:

"Hey! I know, let's get up at 1am, and go stand in line in the FREEZING cold for the next 14 hours with our BABIES and ELEVENTY BILLION other REALLY GRUMPY, COLD people so that we can save a total of 25 dollars!! It's totes worth getting shot, stabbed, trampled, punched in the ballsack, captain america action figure shoved up your asshole, or ANYTHING really to save a little money on all the christmas crap my child is demanding because he's a spoiled little f*cker!"

3) Christmas Lists don't really exist here.
I've started this tradition with my French family, but I think I'm definitely breaking some unknown "you're ruining everyone's Christmas if you tell them what you want to get because it's not a surprise you ass-fondling-douche-kayak" rule.

4) Cyber Monday doesn't exist here.
Am I the *only* one who saw this and thought to herself "Wow, they created an official cybersex day and decided it should be on a MONDAY? Kinky."

The French aren't doing this afaik, and I have to admit, I don't see the point either. It's just another online sale, except this one sounds like it should be for dildos.

5) Major sporting events are not scheduled for holidays.
I know the French *loooooove* their soccer, but they don't do games on holidays. Holidays are for being together, eating food but not too much food, drinking wine, way too much wine, but they are certainly not about to schedule a soccer game on Christmas. At least, that's how the French see Thanksgiving... it's pre-Christmas-Christmas to them.

But the U.S. is completely fine with ignoring each other for hours on end to watch a football game. 

If I'm being honest, I like both ways. Curling up on the couch to watch football with the fam is great. Sitting around drinking wine and chatting is great. I think we need to marry the two -- football game, while getting smashed and chatting... HEAVEN... as long as I have my own personal bowl of guacamole and a big glass of vino, you could smear poop on my face and punch me in the boob and I'd probably laugh it off.

6) The need to stuff yourself into a coma doesn't exist here.
Though food is important, for some reason my family over here doesn't feel the need to eat until their heart is about to explode. It's a time-honored American tradition to eat until you are close to passing out, then drink coffee to stay conscious, then eat pie until you're going to vom, then lay down. And France is the poorer for not recognizing the value in this. 

Then again, they look good in jeans. It's all about priorities.

What would you add to this list?


  1. I don't even know what cyber monday is...but if sex is involved, I'm on board!

  2. I was just thinking that..... what is Cyber Monday?? :)

  3. Not that anyone sends real, paper Christmas cards anymore (besides me, but I'm a throwback), but I like how you have up until January 31st to send holiday greetings here. And it's all about the Meilleurs Voeux and not about the baby Jesus-Christmas thing.

  4. @forest - Pfff. No surprise there you cocktail floozie!
    @emma - you & everyone else.
    @TPC - OMG, GOOD ONE. So true. I do love that as well.


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