Saturday, July 21, 2012

How I Became a Voyeurist and Other Humiliating Confessions

 ©waxorian on Flickr
I think it's really time for me to admit that my new-found freedom from work (taking a summer hiatus), has occasionally left me with a bit *too much* free time. This week I found myself more and more inclined to look out the window, and for lack of a better word, spy.

At first it was just curiosity. I'd heard the 'birds and the bees' phrase before, but never paid much attention to it. Then I saw them.


What I saw has now confirmed a long held suspicion that, humans aside, this truly is the most fucked up species on the planet Earth.

What the hell kind of mating ritual is this?? I've honestly never seen anything like it, and it's the *STUPIDEST* thing EVER invented in the HISTORY of LIFE. It's a miracle they ever manage to reproduce. I'll recap it for you...

Step 1: Identify Potential Mate
This involves one or both of the birds just looking at each other for a ridiculously pointless amount of time. Watching paint dry is more fascinating. I was so curious that I just sat there thinking... "What the fucking fuck are they doing? If you're gonna do it, just do it already damn birds!". It was a long damn time before any action, but it was weird, so quit judging, douchenugget.

(Confession #1: I don't know what is more embarrassing, admitting that you watched birds evaluate the fuckability of each other, or that you were their cheerleader.)

I am now contemplating the fact that birds may be more selective than humans in terms of physical attraction. Have you ever stared a potential date for 45min without blinking before deciding to go out with them?

Step 2: Find Ridiculously Unsafe Place to Copulate
Have you EVER seen pigeons having sex on the ground? Yes? No you haven't, you liar. They choose the most insane places to do their deed like... the edge of a building, or a window rail, or some other place that affords them no more than 1 inch of solid ground to balance on, and is as high as possible, preferably with something near by that could poke an eye out. Pigeons like to live on the edge, and  screw there too I've learned.

Ever since spotting the birds on the balcony across the street, I find myself looking for weird places where birds are probably doing it to confirm this theory like, on top of lamp posts, unstable and/or too-tiny tree branches, and bridge railings where they may fall to their death in the Seine.

Step 3: Shake that ass
Next there is a strange series of events. The birds tip forward and show their asses to one another, then walk toward and away from each other. I imagine they're thinking something like this:

"Here's my bird ass!! You like it?! Hein??! C'mon, you know you want it!"... "Do I want that ass? I don't know..." (walks away)... "YES! YES I DO!"... (walks toward other bird)..."But maybe not, there's some dog shit on the ground I could go eat over there"... (walks away)..."Maybe if I show my ass again I'll get more in the mood"... (shows ass). And so on.

(Confession #2: I've decided that the reason for this step is either birds can't tell who is male or female, who could blame them, or they've been watching too much Jersey Shore.)  

Step 4: Make OUT!
This is actually the only point in the process that doesn't make me want to laugh, or alternatively, punch them. (That confession is coming later). They snuggle. It is like, soooo amazingly like, adorable & stuff, like omfg lmfo gtfo stfu, soooooo cuuu-eeet-ah. I assume this is bird-body-language equal to our own tradition of swallowing someone else's tongue.  

I think the birds may have actually found a less offensive way to show sexual attraction than humans. Bravo fucking birds, now I feel like an asshole.

Step 5: Beat female down until she submits
At least that is what it looks like from my vantage point. Basically, male bird jumps on top of female, knocking her over repeatedly. This poor bird probably literally gets the shit kicked out of it. Finally loses the will to fight and that's all she wrote.

Of course it's impossible to tell whether they actually did it or not. Because it just looked like they were flapping wings and then he fell over and almost died because of the stupid-small ledge he nose-dove from.

(Confession #3: Once he flew back up to the railing, I hypothesize that the male bird lost his erection and was just all embarrassed because he ended up waddling away, beak bowed in shame. This is also the step that kind of makes me want to punch the male birds in the junk for being such douchetwats.)

And while we're on the subject of pigeons, I need to list a few other reasons they annoy Parisians on a daily basis:

- They're fucking disrespectful, man. 
When they're not trying to fly DIRECTLY INTO YOUR FACE AND PLUCK OUT YOUR EYEBALLS WITH THEIR DIRTY LITTLE BEAKS, they're sitting on top of some famous statue's head. Dick move bird.

- WTF is with their TOES?!
Seriously? Why are they all missing toes? Was every-single-pigeon run over by a car, or is there some mysterious bird disease that makes them all gnarly and disgusting? Just ew.

- I'm reading here, beakdick.
I spent the other day hanging out at Tuileries gardens because Paris had about 5 seconds of sunshine. It was magnificent. Until a fucking pigeon horde wouldn't leave me alone. What? Do I fucking smell like bread snaggle-toe? Back OFF!!

I'm kind of shocked I had this much to say about pigeons. Shocked and horrified. Anyway, any fun stories you'd like to share? Reasons why you love pigeons and think I should go straight to hell? Share in comments below :)


  1. I've noticed that day thing with pigeons, too - i mean, they can fly, so presumably impending foot danger (like getting run over by a car, getting trampled by a pedestrian, getting a foot inextricably caught in a grating) can just be avoided by taking flight, right?

  2. I meant to say that 'toe' thing, not 'day' thing


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