Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pointless bullshit, but really funny pointless bullshit.

Our version of the film poster looks like this.
I'm chillin' with my brother and my SIL in Denver, we're half... no three-quarters wasted on white wine... and we're watching... wait for it...

 BURLESQUE!!!!!


Why? I don't.. know. But it's fun. We're having a rough night. In my family, the way we deal with rough nights is to make fun of shit. MST3k style.

Here is what we said during this film, I call it... "Burlesque should've said". It's all the lines that should've been in this movie.

All the Burlesque Should've Said lines, have "BSS:" in front of them, and I've included a phrase of context. Enjoy.

(Ali and Eyeliner-man asking each other intimate questions)
"Why'd you leave Kentucky?"
"Why'd you leave Iowa?"
BSS: "Why'd you leave this apartment?"
BSS: "I didn't."
BSS: "I wish you would".



(Ali and Eyeliner-man talking about apartments)
"You have no where to go, and I have a couch" 
BSS: "And, eyeliner."

(Tess talking to random dancer who is throwing up in a toilet)
"Oh god, please have the flu."

BSS: "I have the 9 Month Flu."

(Sean watching Ali's audition)
"I couldn't keep my eyes off her..."
BSS: "Especially when she did the cat paws"

(Tess and Ali after the first show)
"Where are all the other girls?"
"Oh... they went out for pizza... I wasn't hungry." (looking at Tess)
BSS: "Because I looked at your face... it actually made me sick."

(doing make up for the first time at Burlesque)
"Oh... WOW..."
BSS: "Now you just need all the fat sucked out of your eyelids."

(dancing & singing for the first time)
"I need a tough lover"
BSS: "And someone who isn't afraid of my head which is exponentially bigger than the rest of my body, except for my ginormous gazungas."

(after the first show where she sang)
"What made you do that?"
"Who knew anyone could do that?"
"How did you do that?"
BSS: "Someone else just say 'do that'"


(Tess talking to her business partner)
"You have a lotta good qualities, and then you have some iffy qualities,"
BSS: "And then there are all of your shitty qualities, don't get me started."


(blowing out candles)
BSS: "I bought you this lip liner for your birthday, please wear it exactly one centimeter larger than your actual lips."


(Ali driving in a car with GERBER, aka: worst name for a male lead ever)
"Ahhh, where are you taking me? This is *not* the way to my house."
BSS: "Are you going to rape me?"


(out on the deck at a party, Gerber talking to Ali)
"What's your wildest dream?"
BSS: "I can make all your half-naked baby-food-eating dreams come true."

(Crumpling final notice)
BSS: "No need to worry about this foreclosure notice... again"

(Tess, getting ready to sing...)
"Ok let's do this."
BSS: "Even though I look like a blue-skinned-zombie, and I literally have *no teeth*."

(Tess singing)
"Oh no, I'm not going nowhere"
BSS: "Because I'm stomping in place... again"

(After male lead comes out naked to eat cookies, then goes back in his room, closes the door & turns off the light)
BSS: (door opens again, dressed in black pants) "I put on these black leather pants in the dark for you."

(Tess & Ali fighting)
"Do you ever listen to anything but the sound of your own voice??"
BSS: (cher singing) "Yesss I doooooo, believe in Love... and, the sound of my own voice."


Ok there were a lot more laughs, but seriously, I'm too tired from cracking up to put the rest in here.

Special Bonus:
People we think should've been cast in this movie...
- Elizabeth Berkley as Tess
- Ludacris as Mr. Tess
- Sean Connery as Gerber
- Tiger Woods cameo as the sound guy (or... his creepy self)
- Mr. Belding as a really sad drunk Mr. Belding who rides on Gerber's coat tails
- A bald eagle wearing leather lederhosen and breast tassels as a back up dancer.
- Jason Segel as creepy guy who leers from stage left.
- Keenan from SNL as Bill Cosby
- Sad Keanu... as ... well, Sad Keanu. That would be pretty damn cool.


Who would you cast? Now taking suggestions for auditions.

Friday, May 13, 2011

French Friday – A Passion for Paris with Je Ne Sais Quoi

Andi from www.misadventureswithandi.com has been compiling Parisian Passion for some time! I was thrilled when she asked if I would join the ranks of countless bloggers who share their undying love for this amazing place, and some of their favorite hot spots!


Why do I love Paris? You might as well ask me to fly to the moon… I wouldn’t know where to begin. I do know, that I’ve loved it since I was little. Although, it wasn’t love at first sight when I arrived for good.

I have photos of me as a kid, missing teeth, pigtails and all, wearing t-shirts with “France” and “Paris” and “Oh la la!!” plastered all over them. Despite my adolescent predisposition to love all things French, I had to warm up to it when I moved here. It was surprising. I thought I would blend in with the French, that my language skills would make me fit the mold that seemed destined to be mine since I learned to sing “Frère Jaques”… how naive I was. I’m about as American as they come, and a move wasn’t going to change that.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Five Stages of Post-OBL Grief

Photo credit: Emily Berl for The New York Times
For once, I'm doing a serious blog, sorry for those of you expecting a laugh or a poop joke -- you're bound to be disappointed; but maybe you'll keep reading anyway.

They say that when you grieve, you go through 5 emotional stages. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I didn't expect that I would feel them about, of all people, Bin Laden.


Denial.


While I slept half way across the world in Paris, something amazing happened: US forces found and killed Bin Laden.

My first reaction to this was disbelief. It's been such a long battle. So many lives have been lost in the search for this... beast. I couldn't fathom that after nearly 10 years, the puppet of hate had been silenced. It just felt unreal. It had to be a hoax, someone must be behind this, still pulling the strings.

But the more I read and watched this morning
it slowly sunk in.

Anger.


While I obviously felt many other things, namely relief, anger started to emerge as the dominant emotion. I saw Americans celebrating, showing their asses on TV, screaming at the camera with wide smiles and tongues hanging out like lap dogs, and generally... well, sounding ignorant.

I'm pretty pissed off about the media coverage in France. I didn't expect a nation-wide party, and I'm sure that's not what's really happening. Not in the majority at least. Of course, there are some who are going to get drunk, and wave a flag, and celebrate like it's the fourth of July... but I didn't feel that way at all.

My thoughts were so far from that it's ridiculous. I was thinking of the families who lost loved ones and friends in the towers and in the wars. I thought of all the sacrifice and pain and humiliation the US has suffered.

I'd like to think I'm not the only one. Surely, people who have lived through that loss, were having a moment of silent reflection?

But I guess that doesn't make for very good television because all I saw from Paris was a bunch of hootin' and hollerin'. At least no one showed their boobs.


Bargaining.
Tonight while watching the news
I found myself thinking... "Please, please someone, anyone, show a vigil, show some people who are not acting like they're at a frat party. Don't let this be the only image of Americans that the world has to evaluate our culture..." Alas, my pleas fell on deaf TV executive's ears.

Merci Paris, t'as capturé la drame, mais pas la bonne.


Depression.
Then I just felt plain old sad. Sad that this is how people see my culture, this is what will remain in the archives of the reaction to the single most significant military action in my life time. A bunch of kids, partying in the street like they'd just won the $25M bounty on his head.

Sad that due respect wasn't paid to the people who deserved justice the most.


Acceptance.
I'm starting to come to terms with it. Beginning to accept that what I at first perceived as an inappropriate celebration, others may see as a sign of hope.

I watched the president's speech. Watched it again. And felt a few small ripples of happiness myself, though it was accompanied by a smidge of guilt. Obama's speech was solemn, yes, but it was also hopeful. I think I even glimpsed a bit of a smile at times that he was probably trying hard to suppress.

Maybe it's good for America to find its smile, good for Americans to make peace with the situation and to let out their collective steam.

Still, I wish the sober, thoughtful, respectful side of of Americans had had equal portrayal on this side of the world.
The print media was much more dignified, and the coverage of ground zero that I saw online made me feel a lot better.

I think it's still sinking in for me, and maybe when it does fully, I'll raise a glass too... but not to Bin Laden's death. He doesn't deserve my attention.

I'll raise my glass to the soldiers. To the lost ones. To their families. To the persistence and courage and love of democracy that my country fights to uphold. But not to the execution itself. To that, I'll dedicate an exhale.


How did you feel?
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