Friday, September 9, 2011

What if we stopped talking about the weather?

You: Wow! Summer = over.
Me: Uh-huh.
You: Already?
Me: Yes.
You: It's like, what???
Me: I know.
You: But? Seriously, it's crazy.
Me: Mmm-hmm. Indeed.
You: Yeah, like, just yesterday it was so warm.
Me: Imma about to shove my fingers up your nostrils until I touch the part of your brain that is making you act so retarded and POKE the SHIT out of it. Fair warning.
You: But like, it's so cold out?

(you know what comes next)

Yep. It was a great summer. Full of beauty and love and RAIN and friends and food and RAIN and bike rides and picnics and cold breezes and RAIN. Did I mention rain? One thing I'm tired of hearing is this whole, wow it's so cold & crappy out schtick. I just got back from vacay myself. The change from swimming in 80 degree aqua waters and basking in the golden rays of sun from a clear blue sky so gorgeous you start believing in God, to the gray skies of Paris in its dirty, honking, frowning, black-wearing glory is obvious enough without you telling me about it every 10 seconds. (Le sigh, I miss me some aqua waters and infinity pools.)

Don't get me wrong, I love talking about the weather with you... actually. You didn't get me wrong. It's more boring than the chitchat I had with my dentist about why her gear gets clogged. (Have you ever wished someone would give you knock out gas more?)

I feel like giving Paris one big collective bitch-slap into reality, because if my last 6yrs here are any sign of the times, I can tell you this:

1) Summers are full of rain god dammit. Rain, rain, glorious rain. This isn't London, but just get the net already, it's not f@%#ing Ibiza either. You will have rain at least 45% of every month. Can we get on with our lives and discuss something more interesting now?

2) There is the occasional sunny day. It will strike when you've finally put away your sandals and picnic basket. Yes, God is laughing at you. They are rare and beautiful and they happen once every two weeks or so. So don't put away the sandals, just ... don't plan picnics either. They need to be spontaneous, and uncomplicated. You could follow in the footsteps of my friend Richard (bless him) who just brings random food from his fridge that everyone's afraid to eat -- it certainly gave us something better to talk about than the weather, it was flat out awesome lol.

3) Then there are those 2 days every July when the sun decides it wants you-kababs and needs to cook your ass until it's sizzling and you actually wish for death to not be so hot anymore. Cold showers are a solution, or your local public piscine is another. You know what doesn't help you cool off? Flappin' yer gums about how damn hot you are.

If I permit myself to make these comments, it's because I used to live in Wisconsin. I can't really imagine weather more detestably cold or hot than in that state. We have it *great* over here in Paris. That is all.


  1. Can we talk about how cute and funny you are?

    Oh, I know, what about my potluck wedding reception picnic at the Buttes-Chaumont park tomorrow at noon--entrance near the City Hall? Show up there and I promise we'll give the weather a rest.

  2. It's true. But I just spent three and a half days in Brussels and it's even worse there than here. Seriously, grey, cold and rainy. I know today is an anomaly but I am getting those sandals and picnic gear ready!!


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