Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Why I blame Hollywood if I get cold-feet...

Raise your hand if you think this is going to be ironic in a few years: My first post about contemplating motherhood is the product of a nightmare involving the anti-christ.

Oh dear god I cannot get this image out of my head this morning: little blond baby, adorable as can be, sitting on my husbands shoulders... and his head doing a 360-spin with wide, evil, red eyes and a really scary grin. It looked *just* like Chucky, except for the red hair. Sweet Jesus, I am so damn scared of having kids now. SCREW YOU SUBCONSCIOUS!!

My husband and I have been married for some time in young-people-terms. Five years have flown by at lightning speed. Feels like just yesterday I was arriving in PARIS, to live with the man I love, to leave my entire WORLD behind, to boldly throw myself into the great unknown. I had to try this life on to see how it fit.

I feel like I'm on the verge of going down that road again since we're now talking about chillins'. Except this demonic little head-spinning vision playing in the back of my mind is not really... comforting.

God this is such a *huge* decision. I'm going to warn you now, this isn't the first time we've talked about it, I've been saying for years now, "maybe it's time we started a family, eh?"... some how it keeps getting put off.

First it was because we were moving to Paris & wanted to get settled. Then it was because I wanted to get my career rolling. Then it was because I found all these great expats, and just wasn't ready to give up my cocktail-fancy-free-social life. Always something.

Now there's no good reason to delay, and given how much I LOVE my nephew and feel this maternal need to protect him as if he were my own, I think I've made all the babysteps toward progress possible. Still... be prepared to read a year from now, that we've decided to wait. Again. And then my mother in law and mom will heave weepy sighs, and cross their arms in disappointment. I say I want to now, but when the time comes I fear cold feet will strike again. Thank you, Chuck.

In the mean time, I'm trying to boogie as much as possible. Dinners, book clubs, parties, you name it, I'm doin' it. I some how feel like my "free" life is going to end. Like, the baby will be this boss who will frown at me and send my social agenda to its room for a time out. An 18-yr time out.

Can't wait to read this post again a year from now though, wonder what I'll be thinking? Maybe by then I'll be heavily involved in an expat-mommy-scene. That could be rad. Hopefully they'll convince me that my future-baby will miraculously not be the spawn of beelzebub. I'm a little afraid of what my nightmares will be when I'm preggo if just talking about it brings satanic imagery to mind -- yeash.

12 comments:

  1. Hilarious post. While I am just now getting married, I am *ahem* older, and the pressure is there already. Chuckie and a lack of cocktail parties are certainly scary...

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  2. "I somehow feel like my free life is going to end." -- That's because it is ;-) I am currently at the 11th year of the 18-year time out. I love my son, I do. I even mention him in my blog here and there. But I had him here, in Seattle, 8000 miles away from my family or anyone who could help me, except my husband. Life has definitely changed. For the better? Maybe. Some days, as he approaches 12 and puberty kicks, I swear he is starting to look like Chucky! So, take your time. Do this if both you and your partner are absolutely ready. That's my two cents. ;-) Veronique aka French Girl in Seattle

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  3. Chucky would scare me too! Have fun living it up now and put your Chucky fears to rest:)

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  4. I remember well being at that point and chewing down my fingernails to the bed trying to figure it all out. I had gotten some really great advice when I left high school from an older woman who had lived an AMAZING life. She told me, 'Decide where you want your life to be in 20 or 30 years and then figure out how to get there. If you know where you are trying to go, the decisions get easier.' It was good advice for lots of things but in this particular situation, I decided that I really loved the idea of sitting down to dinner with my grown-up children and talking and laughing. And to get there, I needed to do the baby thing- no way to avoid it. Its true that after two kids, I am still desperately searching for a way to have a table full of grown-up children without having to go through the toddler years but no luck so far... Still, I think its a good way to look at the problem. Also, although my social life is less spontaneous, if you just accept that for the sake of quality of life, you have to commit a certain amount of income to a good babysitter, then life really does care on as usual.

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  5. @erin Glad you dug. Which is scarier though, that's the rub...

    @Seattle: this is my problem, everyone says take your time, but I've taken 5yrs now... wondering if I should just (in the words of Monte Python) "get on with it".

    Linds: I think we've not seen the last of the Chucky nightmares... shudder. Where's my happy place again?

    @anon: Good advice, I tend to think more in the 5-10yr range, but 20-30 is a good goal to consider as well!

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  6. The Mr & I just celebrated 10+ years of marital bliss but have been together over 17 years-each happier then the last. Seriously. We've been in France for over 11yrs and went from 2 to 1 maybe kids based on our life in France. Now, as the years zoom by I'm grappling with a kid at all--not b/c I don't love children, I ADORE them, am the Auntie and Godmother to countless BUT, and it's a big BUT, my, nay, our, problem is Us. We can't seem to bite the bullet for that little wee genetic combo and give up Us. We live for each other, for our life, for every minute we can get together & shudder at how much Us time is lost to a baby, toddler...child. Selfish? Some say so. We like to think we're smart...who knows. But as each year passes with life in France, and we're not leaving, I become more appalled with how kids are schooled here, teaching philosophies, shit, life philosophies that are ingrained in little people and it scares me most of all. I don't think the two of us can even that type of French influence out of a developing human mind and attitude and so now we contemplate that instead of grappling with that daily, we just grow old alone. But then that word alone hits....eegads. Not easy. So Bonne Chance & I'll be keeping my eye out on you. My Paris Mommy friends and their groups scare me sometimes, so you'll need courage for that too! :-0

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  7. lol! I'm sure any offspring sprung from you will be entirely normal and not headspinning little bastards! :)

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  8. You are hysterical! For reasons other than creating a headspinning terror, I too am scared of taking that step into parenthood. (And have less time to think about it than you do!) This topic merits a discussion in person...

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  9. @anon: mommy groups? Hmm. Interesting, we may have to discuss this further. I have some friends who are anti-child, it's a very personal choice, I'd never judge anyone for not wanting them. Doesn't make you selfish, just satisfied with your life imho.

    @forest: you say that now... ;)

    @k: def. DM me & we'll talk about how much we'll miss drinking over cocktails.

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  12. You are hysterical! For factors other than developing a headspinning horror, I too am afraid of getting that phase into being a parent. (And have less a chance to think about it than you do!) This subject benefits a conversation in person

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