Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pointless bullshit, but really funny pointless bullshit.

Our version of the film poster looks like this.
I'm chillin' with my brother and my SIL in Denver, we're half... no three-quarters wasted on white wine... and we're watching... wait for it...

 BURLESQUE!!!!!


Why? I don't.. know. But it's fun. We're having a rough night. In my family, the way we deal with rough nights is to make fun of shit. MST3k style.

Here is what we said during this film, I call it... "Burlesque should've said". It's all the lines that should've been in this movie.

All the Burlesque Should've Said lines, have "BSS:" in front of them, and I've included a phrase of context. Enjoy.

(Ali and Eyeliner-man asking each other intimate questions)
"Why'd you leave Kentucky?"
"Why'd you leave Iowa?"
BSS: "Why'd you leave this apartment?"
BSS: "I didn't."
BSS: "I wish you would".



(Ali and Eyeliner-man talking about apartments)
"You have no where to go, and I have a couch" 
BSS: "And, eyeliner."

(Tess talking to random dancer who is throwing up in a toilet)
"Oh god, please have the flu."

BSS: "I have the 9 Month Flu."

(Sean watching Ali's audition)
"I couldn't keep my eyes off her..."
BSS: "Especially when she did the cat paws"

(Tess and Ali after the first show)
"Where are all the other girls?"
"Oh... they went out for pizza... I wasn't hungry." (looking at Tess)
BSS: "Because I looked at your face... it actually made me sick."

(doing make up for the first time at Burlesque)
"Oh... WOW..."
BSS: "Now you just need all the fat sucked out of your eyelids."

(dancing & singing for the first time)
"I need a tough lover"
BSS: "And someone who isn't afraid of my head which is exponentially bigger than the rest of my body, except for my ginormous gazungas."

(after the first show where she sang)
"What made you do that?"
"Who knew anyone could do that?"
"How did you do that?"
BSS: "Someone else just say 'do that'"


(Tess talking to her business partner)
"You have a lotta good qualities, and then you have some iffy qualities,"
BSS: "And then there are all of your shitty qualities, don't get me started."


(blowing out candles)
BSS: "I bought you this lip liner for your birthday, please wear it exactly one centimeter larger than your actual lips."


(Ali driving in a car with GERBER, aka: worst name for a male lead ever)
"Ahhh, where are you taking me? This is *not* the way to my house."
BSS: "Are you going to rape me?"


(out on the deck at a party, Gerber talking to Ali)
"What's your wildest dream?"
BSS: "I can make all your half-naked baby-food-eating dreams come true."

(Crumpling final notice)
BSS: "No need to worry about this foreclosure notice... again"

(Tess, getting ready to sing...)
"Ok let's do this."
BSS: "Even though I look like a blue-skinned-zombie, and I literally have *no teeth*."

(Tess singing)
"Oh no, I'm not going nowhere"
BSS: "Because I'm stomping in place... again"

(After male lead comes out naked to eat cookies, then goes back in his room, closes the door & turns off the light)
BSS: (door opens again, dressed in black pants) "I put on these black leather pants in the dark for you."

(Tess & Ali fighting)
"Do you ever listen to anything but the sound of your own voice??"
BSS: (cher singing) "Yesss I doooooo, believe in Love... and, the sound of my own voice."


Ok there were a lot more laughs, but seriously, I'm too tired from cracking up to put the rest in here.

Special Bonus:
People we think should've been cast in this movie...
- Elizabeth Berkley as Tess
- Ludacris as Mr. Tess
- Sean Connery as Gerber
- Tiger Woods cameo as the sound guy (or... his creepy self)
- Mr. Belding as a really sad drunk Mr. Belding who rides on Gerber's coat tails
- A bald eagle wearing leather lederhosen and breast tassels as a back up dancer.
- Jason Segel as creepy guy who leers from stage left.
- Keenan from SNL as Bill Cosby
- Sad Keanu... as ... well, Sad Keanu. That would be pretty damn cool.


Who would you cast? Now taking suggestions for auditions.

1 comment:

  1. I see a screenplay in your future (with the title, "Pointless bullshit, but really funny pointless bullshit")!

    ReplyDelete

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