Sunday, August 1, 2010

I need a doctor and a lithium drip to watch Grey's. Stat.

Know I enjoy doing when I get home to visit my dad in the states? It's a simple thing, really, maybe silly to you, but it gives me immense joy. Too much.

I enjoy flipping through the series on his cable. I love the logic of it. It works something like this:

- Series
-- Name of series
--- Episode list
---- Choose episode & watch. BAM. You're done.

It. Is. MAGICAL. Everything about my French TV box makes me want to scream. I think they brought in a team of four year olds to design it.

Today, I feel like total crap. I just want to curl up on the couch & watch Grey's. That's it. But, they can't follow the American pattern, they have their own organization for finding the show you want. It requires the IQ of a nuclear physicist and a notebook so you can cross off all the menus you went through.

This is what the French TV menu looks like (each "-" is a new level of the menu. You go deeper and deeper into the TV maze until you feel like your brain is a ticking bomb.) :

- promo page of total bullshit that I don't want, which takes me 20 minutes to click out of.
-- go to first type of rental provider
--- List of types of series by category
---- Click through list of "Emotion" series (whatever that means)
----- Find list of Grey's anatomy season 1-4 with 2 episodes of season 6 (um. Ok. weird, but whatev I just want to watch 6.)
------ Go to season 6, find episodes 9 and 13 (WTF???)
- start over, bonus: promo maze of insanity
-- go to second type of rental provider
--- Do you want to enter? (DUH! YES you terd! Would I have clicked on "OK" otherwise?)
---- Enter second type & select US series
----- List of promotions (AGAIN.)
------ Select Grey's
------- Select Grey's Season 6
-------- Wait a lifetime
--------- List of Grey's Season 6 episodes out of order, beginning with episode 11-14
---------- Try to get to the beginning of season 6 by clicking back
----------- End up at some other series list
------------ Break something and start swearing, mildly alarm your spouse
- start over, more promos of TV shows and cartoons that you really would never EVER want to watch.
-- Go to third type of rental provider
--- Would you like to watch this pointless show about an old man? (NO.) Continue.
---- Would you be interested in renting the latest cartoon movie that just came out? (NO fucktard! I'm trying to watch a series!!!) Continue.
----- go to A-Z list of TV shows
------ Go to G
------- Find nothing, consider calling cable company, then remember that not only is it Sunday (no one is there), but they are French (they don't give a shit and will probably be annoyed that you even called = no help there.)
-------- go back to list of series and start complaining
--------- by some kind of miracle, find Grey's
---------- go to season 6 and threaten your TV
----------- click on the episode you want, thank your TV
------------ pay 3€ for the episode (CROCK! 3€? For one episode? OMG. But at this point, you've wasted a half an hour, so you're like, OK, why the fuck not, I don't want this to be for nothing!)
------------- start watching episode & realize that THERE IS NO SOUND.
-------------- break remote. Really, that is the only solution.
--------------- use TV buttons to get back to menu
---------------- you're never EVER going to find the episode you just rented
----------------- turn off TV, go to your computer, download episode in 5 min.

That is how it works people. Take note.


  1. Heheheheheheheh.

    You have Free, eh?

    Yeah. It's like us, too -- we TRY to do things the upstanding, subscriber way, but when it gets to that point you got to, it just makes more sense to download and be done with it.

    Thank god/dess there is technology like this now, though. Twenty years ago in PR China I was so desperate to watch TV that another friend and I would tune into Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles in Chinese just because it looked sort of familiar. Heh!

  2. I'm another Free subscriber... it should be called FREAK or SHITE or another word... I am glad that I'm not the only one who cannot get the bloody remote to work - you do seem a lot more persistant than me!

    We now have pirate sat, well we pay in the UK but have our sat in France so I guess it's pirate! Thank goodness though otherwise I would go completely and utterly mad.

    And 3 Euros to watch Greys? Well! that's just daylight robbery IMHO! You'll soon be reading reports about how profitable French internet/tv provider companies are... just like the French banks LOL!

  3. Haha, I've been living in China and traveling in Southeast Asia, and Grey's Anatomy has become my Absolute GO TO for comfort... of course, I have to stream it on my shit-tastic little netbook, where it times out, buffers, and gets all the audio out of sync. Oh, Tivo, I miss you.

  4. @Karin - No! In fact I have a different provider, Neuf which I think is now SFR. But they're all full of shite aren't they?

    @Piggie - What can I say, I reallllly wanted to watch grey's.

    @Lauren - I feel you, US has had Tivo & on-demand for a freaking DECADE --- they can't get it right over here!! GARRRRRR!


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