Monday, June 21, 2010

My Cup (of Egotistical Whiny Bastages) Runneth Over

I'm writing this blog drunk. It must be said. But when else am I going to speak my mind without any hint of remorse? Never I tell you. Why? Because I'm from Wisconsin. In Wisconsin, you don't tear people down for the sheer pleasure of it. You don't mock people just to relieve the resounding voice in your head saying:
"What the EF do they think they're doing???"

But, when you're hammered... the gloves come off. And such is my case.

So I say... "Equipe de France, mais qu'est-ce que vous être en train de foutre,  BORDEL!?!?".

It is my right, as a drunkard, as a light weight who has just celebrated, not only a birthday, which in and of itself is license to say whatever you want in France, but Father's day as well... to completely destroy the French nation's football team.

I'm allowed, not just for having had more than three coupes of champagne, or because I washed them down with three glorious glasses of red wine, but for the simple reason that:

I am not French.

Though, I have probably never acted more so. That said: Goodbye respect. See ya later good judgment. STOP. It's Hammer(ed) time.

So, I ask you... What THE F*CK France?

Seriously. You're not even going to train because you had a bad game? You're actually ON STRIKE from training? That's like a winery letting the fruits of their labor rot in the cellar because they had a bad year.

SUCK IT UP, I say. DEAL WITH IT. You had a crappy game, against Mexico. Waaahh Waaahhh. OK, so it's like the Red Socks losing to a 3rd grade little-league team. But you're Freakin' FRANCE. Where's that over-developed sense of Pride I'm so used to? What's next? Are you going to go all Tanya Harding on me? "My laces were too tight", "He said 'Ef You, Dirty-son-of-a-B'" and We were SCREWED". Life is unfair, dammit. But stop getting all
FRENCH on me, I know y'all looooove the strikes, but his is a bit overboard, even for you.

I thought this was a nation of Egos. I expected that one little defeat would be power enough to set the team in motion towards defending their beloved Cock. (I'm referring to the French mascot btw.)

Instead, I'm left with a pseudo group of wining prima donnas that can't take the hand their dealt.

Not only am I forced to listen to those ANNOYING horns blowing in my living room nearly every evening, but you've completely F*CKED my husband's attitude. The poor guy has been brooding since day 1, and now, it's getting even worse.

Thank you France for blowing another week of my life with your confused definition of Pride. If you want ONE piece of advice, here it is, whether you're ready for it or not:

Get your balls back on that horse and WIN, instead of acting like a two year old spinning on his back in the parking lot because the store is all our of chocolate pudding pops.

The end.


  1. funny post. drunk posts are the best. i can just picture you, hanging over your laptop, pausing for a quick up-chuck and then returning to typing. and happy birthday to you, too! i don't follow the world cup, or soccer for that matter. i think it's boring, even though i played it for years. i agree with you, though. whatever happened, they just need to suck it up and get over it. now, wimbledon is one event i do love to watch. i get all john mcenroe at the tv. love it! take care.

  2. (post-puke)
    Thanks... (burps)... Kiki. Love you too.. NO REAAAeeEEEeLLY.... I MEAN ITTTT-A. I Lovaya. SEerrrssly. You're so SO great. yov' no ideah.
    I mean love.
    (puke round 3)

  3. PSsssss - not ma birthay.. was brother in lawz. I'm an AAaaQUaaaariOOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuSSSSSss-AH. (goes on singing that 70's tune for like ten min. before husband totally screams at her to get her ass in bed.)

  4. Thanks for the rant. It was a perfect bedtime story. I'm in Italy right now and they are all whiny too as they may not make it any further... poor babies!!!

  5. You tell 'em! Fuck that whiney ass baby attitude!

  6. Bunch of prima donnas, the lot of them. Although I blame Domenech entirely for being a baaaaaaaad manager. X

  7. Perfect post, and summarizes my feelings exactly (and I am not even drunk!) :D

    What a bunch of babies the French team seems to be. I'm watching the French team return to France on France 24 right now, and they have been labeled a "laughingstock." No kidding.

    I love drunken rants, BTW. Hope the HO was not too bad. :)

  8. It figures you're a cheesehead. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It all makes perfect sense now.

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