Sunday, April 18, 2010

Continuing plot to make me fat continues.

This weekend I was a participant in a rare and decadent event. Hubs, ten friends and I piled into our cars and braved the spring vacation traffic for the second annual, Top Chef Vieux Mais', or, as I've dubbed it, "How to supremely enjoy gaining five pounds seminar weekend". Our exploits reminded me a bit of this website.

Of course this could happen in the states, but it just seems so... French. I have some American friends who are whizkids in the kitchen (Elan, Ashleigh, you two continue to shock & awe me), but I have to say that the French really DO cook alot and this weekend seemed to prove my point. How many Americans do you know that grab their whisks and rollers and say "Let's spend 4hrs in the kitchen and drink until we're cross-eyed!!!"... not many I'm guessin', well at least.. this specimen is rare in Wisconsin.

The basic principals are:
- Eat.
- Eat.
- Eat.
- Drink.
- Smoke cigarettes.
- Psyche out the competition
- Drink.
- Eat.
- Eat.
- Eat.
- Sleep.
- Repeat.

Three meals, three teams, fierce competition, old-world-country house and radical food. Needless to say, I was pretty excited, and my ass swelled up a size with joy just thinking about it. After this weekend, I can only explain to you how I feel by quoting the motto of my friend and fellow blogger, Siri of Siriously Dilicious: "Food has replaced sex in my life, and now I can't get into my own pants."

My team mates arrived and immediately hit the kitchen, since we were up first with Saturday lunch. Having already planned our attack based on a theme (Green-White-Red), we were ready to kick (and grow) ass. We were fantastic, and even won the best entré (suck on that!)

I believe that at one point between the Boeuf Bourguingnon and the Tarte Tatin, I leaned into my wine glass, inhaling it's intoxicating, velvety goodness and whispered, "shh shhh shhh... I love your musk... I'm a mess with you ya... when this is all over, I think you & I should get an appartment together!". A rowdy, puffed-up time was had by all.

I think the main ingredients in our meals consisted of:
- Butter
- Oil
- Butter mixed with oil
- Lard
- Pure fat
and of course, your ever popular,
- whipped cream.

To help you fully understand the weekend and it's effects, I've created the following graph:


The only loser in the competition this weekend is my scale... but hey, you only live once right? Might as well live with 5 extra pounds and a giant whipped-cream-induced smile on my face.

6 comments:

  1. Oh yay! The Food Report. :)

    First, the website ("This is why you are fat") is HILARIOUS. Wow. That's so entertaining, lol. I've been agog at it, totally distracted from this post, for a good 5+ minutes. I am LMAO at the Cadbury egg cupcake and Peep Sushi (omg - a riot). I am sticking that in Google Reader, for sure. Thank you.

    (Psssst. *whispers* your "alot" link is not working up there, BTW, but I knew what you were writing about because I stalk you on FB. Just so's you know. About the link. I think you know about the stalking already, lol. ;-) )

    *chortlechortlechortle* "the motto of my friend and fellow blogger, Siri of Siriously Dilicious: "Food has replaced sex in my life, and now I can't get into my own pants." She is very witty, as are you. That chart is scarily accurate as well as hilarious. :)

    You do only live once and I am so glad you had an enriching (and enlarging) time!

    *tipping my hat to you and to lard*

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  2. Yo Karin, not to sound conceited, but all my links are choice, baby. I fixed alot link, thanks for the heads up!

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  3. hahaha... Im not sure where to miss France right now or thank the lord im back in CA.... hope all is awesome!

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  4. Delightful as always Shannon. I know why I'm fat though: ice cream, cookies, cheese, oh my!

    I also have an Italian mother in law who culdn't make something disgusting if she tried.

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  5. Thank you for turning me onto This is Why You're Fat. Finally, now I know.

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  6. @steph: all is awesome... always.
    @Elbie: has she tried making a wrap with anchovies and rasberry sauce?... didn't think so. (SNAP!)
    @siri: you skinny ho, you could probably eat the entire contents of "This is why you are fat" and still fit into pants that I couldn't get up to my knees.

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