Saturday, March 6, 2010

The fucking BALLS. *

What is your gramma up to tonight? Letting the dog out? Ironing boxers? Reading the bible, or some other end-times novel of choice? On a crazy night, maybe she'll wait until her husband is snoring like a chainsaw at 5:45pm after a lovely meatloaf, and, GHASP, sneak a little Wheel of fortune? (You know she fantasizes about making sweet, sweet love to Pat Sajak on the wheel.)

Well I've got a gramma that will make yours start pushing her LifeAlert like the anti-christ has just poked his horned head out of her vajay-jay.

Her name is Ruth Flowers, and she is the fucking balls.

Ruth is 69, British, and probably senile - but she rocks out with her blocks out.

I couldn't resist this story, and am pretty sure I have a new idol. Check out her website if you want to see what an aged Mary Poppins on crack sounds like.

Her recent gigs include premiers at Cannes and chic Parisian clubs, and despite her advanced age, she shows no signs of stopping... of her own volition that is. Mother nature is just waiting for that hip to shatter while she's doing her next jig on the red carpet.

Ruth was introduced to her new career when her grandson had a birthday. It was love at first scratch as she made her way to the MC... you know, because if she's anything like my grandparents she probably couldn't hear without pressing her face against the speakers until they left grid-marks on her marshmellowy, rouge-slathered cheeks.

Now she's making a name for herself as the oldest DJ on the planet. She claims to be a "Great Fucking DJ"... but, is she? Or are we all mesmerized by the freak show that is a geriatric Samantha Ronson being praised by France's elite who all secretly want to know when the reaper, disguised as a blond, psychotic-arexic actress, is going to pull the plug on her tables?

Personally, I dig it. Make history. Rock on 'ma. Blow my mind. Just keep the paramedics handy because death is such a buzz kill.

Any last requests?

Disclaimer: No elderly people were harmed in the making of this post.  Gramps & Gramps, I love you & your wonderful sense of humor, near-perfect hearing, amazing capacity for love and affection, and above all, the ability to read with a grain of salt what I've written here knowing that it's a humor blog & not about you...

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