Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What is that horrible STENCH?? (aka: Our Food.)

The first time I was offered french cheese, a clothespin shot to the top of my wish list. This shit stinks. BAD. Blue cheese, Camembert, you name it... it's the mayor of smelldom.

There is a definite method to successful consumption of dairy products until you become accustomed to the smellrificness that inevitably murders your appetite faster than you can say Munster.

1) Warn your Franco-host that you've never had French cheese without offending them.

(Not easily done, I assure you.) Here's an example of a proper warning:

"Where I come from cheese is hard, has no taste and no smell. It's virtually plastic. Sometimes I wonder if it is even made from milk.

If you considerably diminish your native cheese's desirability, you increase your chances of not being despised when you cover your nose and begin coughing as the rancid milk product enters the room, followed by a wafting trail of green smoke.

2) Prepare for the first bite to make your stomach want to exit your mouth and slap you in the face.

Your first bite will not be like the first time you tasted chocolate. Your mouth will not explode with delicious flavor that makes your toes curl. The more likely reflex will be gagging. But persevere, as with sex, it gets better as you go along.

3) Vomitting is completely normal, just wait until you get to your car.

I think this goes without saying, but you know... just in case. I kept plastic bags in my glove compartment for years.

4) Follow the Golden rule of Goat.
Goat will probably be the mildest. Don't let your ego ruin your chances with your host. If you go straight for the Brie, don't come crying to me when your froggy friend is slathered head-to-toe in your lung butter. You've got to ease into it. If you're feeling Indiana-Jones-brave, like you could dive head first into the lion's den, then take two pieces; maybe hit up the Compté - but GOAT FIRST.

It's my personal opinion that this rule should be taught to children from birth; right along with "Never take candy from strangers", "Stop, Drop and Roll", and "Never drink a blue-rasberry smoothie pre-rollercoaster". (That last one I had to learn the hard way. Sorry, man in front of me who went home with a neon-blue stained Grateful Dead t-shirt.)

5) Easy on the cheesy.

You may eventually develop a taste for the stuff. If and when this happens, please keep in mind that French cheese does not come in a "light" format. Nope. It's 100% fatful goodness will go directly to your ass; do not pass go, do not collect 20.000 francs. Stick to small slices, or better yet, let your host dose you.

It's also necessary to warn you that your breath may harm small animals and children. Certain veteran cheese-eaters will sport one of these post-consumption. It's like a condom for your face. Sure, it's not the most attractive thing in the world, but neither are you after eating those vachebombs.

Should you retain the courage to déguste french cheese, I salute you.

Good luck and Bon Appétit!


  1. Worth it to read post. Esp. the particular is an acronym used to keep the mind. I would not have noticed this by myself. Will need to examine carefully outdated photographs to view this characteristic. Cheap D3 Gold
    Guild Wars 2 Gold

  2. No wonder, those scent of wild flowers, "ah, very tasty, and you have a capable wife and see that she is very love you." Old barbarians replied.

  3. I love read, this is an excellent articleYou've made several excellent points there. My spouse and i checked online to find out Lumia 920 case
    more in regards to the problem and discovered most individuals should go as well as your views on this site.

  4. Anyone prepare bugs through pot plant these questions anime cosplay costumes bottle having a best into it. Fleas jump.Natasha, appreciate your hosting, desire you happen to be using a wonderful saturday and sunday!

  5. Was looking for link up! Have a wonderful weekend break! :) My partner and i almost all associated way up. Your enthusiasts attack on titan cosplay are usually invited to come along with link up any moment Fri-Wed Appreciate your welcoming myself above from OneCreativeMommy

  6. Your own greeting card is simply stunning -- as well as such a beautiful present. Any kind of lady will be delighted to get this particular.
    Many thanks for you personally motivation.

    League of Legends boostCheap Fifa 14 Ultimate Team Coins


Related Posts with Thumbnails