Friday, January 8, 2010

Math hurts.

I'm a mathematical moron. There. I said it. I've known since birth that math and I were not going to play nicey-nice. I can do it, sure... but why bother when someone invented calculators?

Especially when it comes to cooking. I like to whip up some home-made wonders once in a while, but my favorite cooking websites (,,, and all their uppity friends), are causing a bald patch on the back of my head from my frustrated hair-pulling shenanigans.

Can anyone out there tell me the benefit of our AMAZINGLY complicated measuring system? Anyone? Bueller? (crickets chirp.... random patch of tumbleweed rolls in front of me.) Didn't think so. I don't know why the united states hasn't jumped on the metric system bandwagon yet, but it's about gdamn time in my opinion.

Every time I pick up a recipe book, it feels like Andre the Giant has got my head in a sleeper hold, softly whispering "shhh shhh shhhh... it's ok.. just pass out."

I think Americans and the French have put their Freedom Fries dispute on hold to conspire long enough to make my head a-splode. Let me give you an example: 

Me: Tell me how many kilograms are in four cups of flour, you have 10 seconds and no calculator or converter website.

You: Fuck you.

YEP. I knew you'd say that. Why? Because the two systems are so different they have literally NOTHING in common. Nothing. Apples, meet oranges. Cups, tablespoons, pounds - we can't even correspond these things within our OWN system and you expect me to figure out how many cups are in a kilo? It's madness.

Perfect example the other week when baking. I thought (like an IDIOT) that my measuring utensil was in cups. It was from Ikea, I should've known better... damn sueds are incapable of making it simple for me. So I measured and mixed. My dough was the consistency of runny frosting. Not good. A little detective work and I realized my error, but fixing it was a whole other matter.

I proceeded to find out how much flour I'd put in grams (X), how much I needed total in cups (Y), convert that into grams (Y*229.92), find the difference between the total needed and the total added in grams (Z).

Here is my formula for not fucking up the recipe:
- scratch head for ten minutes
- scream, just a little bit.

- cry

- imagine everyone biting into a cookie hard as stone and little shards of shattered teeth flying through the air
- panic
- apply formula: ((Y*229.92) - X) = Z

- Add amount Z of effed ingredient into dough.
- repeat for all other effed ingredients.
- wipe beads of sweat from brow
- pray
- bake

I've got to figure this out eventually. In the mean time, if my internet goes down or my iphone breaks... I think we just may starve to death because all my measuring cups/utensils are in metric.

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