Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hell's Angels of Death (aka: Death has two wheels and a pea-sized intellect.)

FACT: Motorcyclists in Paris have lost the will to live.

No, seriously. The whole population is suffering from severe depression, for which the only cure is death.

That, is the only explanation. It's a sickness, and the poor suffering dears deserve our sympathy.

I've witnessed the plague on 4-wheel-drivers, that is two-wheeled drivers, these last four years and it is a sight to behold, I assure you. The good news is: I think I've finally figured it out. The bad news: there is no known cure.

I think something happens to these otherwise normal people when they hop on the back of their choppers (this also applies to the amazingly LOUD scooters). There are many stages and symptoms. As uge, I'm here to share my theories.

Stage 1: Superman Syndrome

I was once a passenger on a motorcycle, one of those three-wheeled contraptions. I can testify to the potent effects of
this first syndrome. I advise you to take extreme caution and above all, to avoid giving in to your instincts. Resisting the temptation to scream:
"WwwwwwwwwEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hehehehhehehhehehhehe!!!!!!!!!!" is a good place to start.
(note: I failed. I'm not here to judge, people.)

From the moment you climb on to the rolling-bi-wheeled-device-of-demise, something strange happens. It feels like an invisible layer of armor protects you. Wrapping itself around your body, the faux-cushion harbors you from all manner of injury or mishap like a magical, impenetrable, burrito. Your helmet takes on the importance and flare of a cape, and you think to yourself, "Why was I afraid again? Nothing is going to happen to me!".

The illusion of invincibility is widespread according to experts*, and may provoke sensations similar to:

"ZZZzzzoooommmmmmmmm I'm going to FLY between those two cars like a tiny fairy!!! LOOK-AT-ME-GO Weeeee!!!"
"What are these lines for?"

* By experts I am referencing myself and my friend Jean-Bagarre.

Stage 2:  Euphoric Velocity Mania (AKA: ANUS Syndrome)

Though I have no personal experience with this stage, I have witnessed it a great many times. The driver and/or passenger has a rush of adrenalin which causes all normal brain functionality to cease, a part from the Automatic Nervous System (ANS).

The affected parties' minds will be taken over by a trance-like state I've dubbed:

Notions of


The number of French civilians who suffer from ANUS has doubled within the last five years alone. We must be vigilant, but ultimately, only the police can stop the ANUSes of this world.

Symptoms may include, but are not limited to:
- Memory loss, especially pertaining to the laws and codes applied to safe driving
- Impossibility to drive under 75mph in any situation
- Desire to impress "the ladies" by whizzing past them and out of their sight (contradictory, yet true.)
- Head migrating to one's anal region
- Break dysfunction
- Vision impairement: impossible to see straight lines directly in one's path

Stage 3: DOUCHE Syndrome

This is the final stage. Multiple years of exposure to or being an ANUS can provoke this:
- Disturbingly
- Outrageous
- Unthinkable
- Choices
- Hoping for
- Euthanasia

Syndrome is frighteningly common amongst motorcyclists.

Symptoms my include but are not limited to:
- Total disregard for human life
- Desire to be crushed like a bug under a pile of metal
- Mistaken notion that you are the owner of the given passage
- Total or partial blindness
- Depression
- Extreme Road Rage

You should know that studies** have shown that ANUS syndrome is especially prominent in drivers of covered motorcycles. No one understands the logic behind this purchase. It is rumored that advanced states of ANUS can induce a strong desire to buy them. Consumers are most likely on the verge of becoming a DOUCHE at any given moment.

** performed and validated by me involving me asking the question, "are you an ANUS or a DOUCHE?" to drivers of said solo-mobile.

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