I have a theory. Tiger is not satisfied being a Golf legend and having a name so virile it oozes testosterone all over your lips the moment it passes them.
No. You wouldn't know it to watch him on ESPN, but he has a softer side. He has ambitions. He has an attitude. He longs to show you the real Tiger.
But how to reveal this double-edged sword? Sure we like sass as much as the next person, but the golf world doesn't appreciate the flamboyant. Plad pants and "N'uh-uh, you did not just go there ho", do not mix. (Just look at Happy Gilmore.) You can't open up Golf Digest Magazine and see a six-foot-one man sporting a bouffant hair-do and orange earrings.
This is why I'm 87% sure that Tiger Woods moonlights as Miranda Bailey on the hit TV series, Gray's Anatomy.
Think about it.
Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time? How do you explain the uncanny resemblance? You must admit, it has a distinctly familiar ClarkKentocity.
He goes home after a day at the course, pulls on his fat suit, takes out his giant teeth prosthetic and slides on his wig to remind us all that being a woman and a doctor is rough. I respect him more with each tear that drips down my cheek while watching him struggle to save lives of helpless babies and wide-eyed children.
I honestly believe that Tiranda has a lot to teach this world; though he's not the first, lest we forget the magic that was Chris Gaines, the alter-ego of Garth Brooks, who is the alter-ego of a nerdy guy from Tulsa who couldn't find a bush if you're judging by his latest album cover.
Tiranda, deep down, is a strong, effeminate queen who has an amazing gift for acting and hitting holes-in-one. A double threat, people. I for one, feel sad that our nation is so far gone that we cannot love this amazing human for what he really is-- so I beg you... Give Tiranda a chance.
And to you, Tiranda... take off the mask, or put on the make up, or whatever it is you need to do... just be fabulous you.