Tuesday, December 8, 2009

An open conversation with my hair.

Dear Hair,

I know we haven't always gotten along. There were those little bumps and ripples along our path together these last 27 years that have been less than pleasant. But we're stuck with each other. Through frizz and split ends. 

Turn around & look at me when I'm talking to you! 

See, this is why we never got along. You have too much attitude. 

You remember the perm that lasted four hours in the 90's? I do. It looked fabulous day one. I was the queen of spirally perfection, I would've made Nicole Kidman WEEP, and you just couldn't stand that. It's been downhill from there.

True, I had my moments. Like the time my brother and his friend decided to cut off a pigtail and leave the other mourning its loss. I know. It was rough. But we got through it dammit! 

Yes, yes, there was that very unfortunate dying incident when you turned the color of ketchup and mustard mixed together. I cheated on my hairdresser just once, and I've regretted it ever since. 

I KNOW, I shouldn't have trusted my friend's 16yr old little sister, I know that!! Are you ever going to let that one go? I was young! I made a mistake!! 

So it's going to be like that, is it... Don't SASS ME! You forget your place Hair! On MY HEAD.

I've tried, Hair, I really have. I've used biologically pure hair products, Aveda has been my guide and you still split every chance you get, you selfish bitch. Do you have any idea how much it costs to make you happy? I'm not made of money!! 

What's that? You don't like French water?? Can I help it if they don't put enough salt in? You always hold these things against me, they have nothing to do with US. Why can't you let me in? 

It could be worse you know... I could use head & shoulder's on you. No, you always get conditioner, yet you complain. (siiiiggghhhh)


I've had it. I want a divorce. There was a very attractive auburn wig in the shop down the street that has been making eyes at me. I didn't want it to be this way, but you've left me no choice.

Good bye hair. Sniff. Snip.

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