Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fashionably Late (aka: What are you doing here? GET OUT, I'm NAKO!!!)

You've heard of it, we all have. Being Fashionably Late is how they dizou it here.

We have several time zones in the US, but I would offer that there is more than 1 in France. There is GMT+1 all over the country, and GMT +1.5 to GMT+2 in the region of Paris.

If you're not at least 20 min. late, you are a maxi douche. Maxi being the biggest possible, and Douche not meaning the literal "shower". The only time my friends show up on time is when I've cleverly announced that I'm making lasagne and it will only be around until 9pm. (Oh yes. My milkshake, and/or Lasagne, bring all the friends to my yard. Oh yes. It's better than yours. I can't teach you because my gdamn recipe is in the metric system.)

If you should, by some cruel twist of fate,  show up within the half an hour after the announced time frame... you shall regret it my douches. It's tantamount to sabotage. Show up before and you've committed a mistake worthy of permanent exile.

Hypothetical situation (entirely based in FACT):
If I invite you to come over at 8 and you're there at 8:15... I'll be scrambling out of the shower, hair-in-towel, throwing the hors d'oeuvres into the oven and struggling to pour you a cocktail with one hand since the other is preventing indecent exposure. Arrive at 8:35, and you'll be greeted with a dazzling smile by a Donna Reid's chubbier, less talented (and definitely evil) twin.


(You knew there had to be a "but", didn't you. It wouldn't be France if there wasn't at least a "however".) Partiers Beware. Showing up too late also has its perils. I think the limit depends on the occasion, but it's safe to say that you should show your face within an hour of the expected time. If you have another occasion that trumps the hosts he or she might let you off the hook if you look extremely repentant and excuse yourself for 20 min to a half an hour.

I'm a nerd, so to help you, I've devised a formula that will prevent your ass from being thoroughly loathed and save your host from unexpected frontal nudity:

Key: X = time you arrive  N = time announced

X < N  => TOTAL ASSHOLE, I'm poisoning your martini
X == N OR X < (N+20) => SABOTEUR, I'm giving you the worst piece of lasagne
X > N AND X < (N+60) => DECENT, Watch it -- no slip ups buddy.
X > (N+60) ==> MAXI DOUCHE, How dare you?!?!?
X > (N+60) + BIRTHDAY => ANNOYING BUT FORGIVEN, got lucky this time, punk


  1. Interesting. Also, please start using the 'Merican term "DoucheLord" when describing male douchebags. A-grassy-ass.

  2. I'll do that. PS: we say Maresee here, and telling me to use the word "DoucheLord"... = being a douchelord, douchelord.

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