Sunday, December 20, 2009

Decrypting Dean (Merry Christmas !!!)

Mom and I were decorating the tree today. No way we can do this without my Christmas Classics CD blaring in the background. I've been listening to this mix for years, and it's one of my favorites. So, this year, I couldn't help taking one song and dissecting it for you all.

Merry Christmas.

I really can't stay
=> I don't like you that much

(but baby it's cold outside)
=> I want to pretend I'm worried about your health, when really, I just want to bone.

I've got to go away
=> You're making me REALLY uncomfortable

(but baby it's cold outside)
=> You're sure you don't want to do the hibbidy dibbidy?

This evening has been
=> How do I put this another way besides "back off serial rapist"

(been hoping that you'd drop in)
=> I knew you'd crack, I'm so Fing handsome I want to do myself.

So very nice
=> I can't think of anything good to say about you.

(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)
=> I'm going to touch you whether you like it or not

My mother will start worry
=> She never liked you.

(beautiful please don't hurry)
=> is my unwrapping this condom making you uncomfortable?

My father will be pacing the floor
=> P.S. he owns a gun

(listen to the fireplace roar)
=> Look, FIRE, fire is niiiceee... you're getting sleepyyy... ooouuhhh

So really I'd better scurry
=> Dude. I don't give a flying F about your fire.

(beautiful please don't hurry)
=> I'm begging you. It's been six months.

but maybe just a half a drink more
=> ME too. why not.

(put some records on while I pour)
=> Help me out Barry.

the neighbors might faint
=> Other people know I'm here, just in case.

(baby it's bad out there)
=> You can't get away.

say what's in this drink
=> You ruffied, me didn't you?

(no cabs to be had out there)
=> You're too drunk to drive.

I wish I knew how
=> I can't make a complete sentence I'm so hammered.

(your eyes are like starlight now)
=> I know, I'm high too.

to break this spell
=> I can't move, I'm da-runk.

(I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
=> Take off your clothes drunky.

I ought to say "no, no, no sir"
=> I'm going to regret this.

(mind if i move in closer)
=> It's on.

at least I'm gonna say that I tried
=> The police report will reflect that I said no.

(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
=> Pitty card, pitty card, pitty card.

I really can't stay
=> Pathetic much? GTG. STFU.

(oh baby don't hold out)
=> Cock tease!!

both:baby it's cold out side

I simply must go
=> Unlock the damn door, or I'm kicking you in the jewels.

(but baby it's cold outside)
=> Didn't I mention that you'll freeze to death because I won't drive you?

The answer is no

(but baby it's cold outside)
=> NO.

Your welcome has been
=> At least I got some free booze.

(how lucky that you dropped in)
=> I've been planning this for weeks.

so nice and warm
=> Better than freezing to death... or is it?

(look out the window at that storm)
=> Seriously. You'll die. Did I lock that window?

my sister will be suspicious
=> She never liked you either, and you're still dating her.

(gosh your lips look delicious)
=> Do you have herpes?

my brother will be there at the door
=> He's wanted to kick your ass since day one.

(waves upon the tropical shore)
=> Imagine you're somewhere else.

my maiden aunts mind is vicious
=> She has a biiiig crush on you, go drug her.

(gosh your lips are delicous)
=> I don't care I'm kissing you anyway, I already have herpes.

but maybe just a cigarette more
=> I need to toke up before we do this thing.

(never such a blizzard before)
=> Is it snowing in here? I can't tell. WHOAH. My hand is moving so sloowwww....

I've gotta get home
=> No amount of drugs will make me do you.

(but baby you'd freeze out there)
=> Think you can do better? News flash, you an ugly ho.

say lend me a coat
=> Maybe if I cover your face?

(it's up to your knees out there)
=> That bad? Well I'm covering up your chunky legs then.

you've really been grand
=> Beer goggles are officially ON.

(I thrill when you touch my hand)
=> Did you accidentally on purpose touch me? Cuz I dig it.

but don't you see?
=> Eyes up here buddy.

(how can you do this thing to me?)
=> I'm the mayor of BlueBalls Town.

there's bound to be talk tomorrow
=> my rep is ruined if anyone finds out.

(think of my lifelong sorrow)
=> I think this condom is too old. Shit.

at least there will be plenty implied
=> You told everyone we already did it didn't you?

(if you got pneumonia and died)
=> What if we were the last man and woman on earth?

i really can't stay
=> Double no.

(get over that old out)
=> blah blah blah take of your shirt.

both:baby it's cold
=> since I won't remember this tomorrow

baby it's cold outside
=> Naked time.

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